lost

Even this time, when I met her, I was still deeply, madly and hopelessly in love with her. She was painfully beautiful for my eyes. Until I had been far away, I desperately wanted to be with her. Now that I was with her, I wanted to go far off. It was the unfortunate inevitability that I would lose her very soon that was doing this to me. She taunted me unknowingly and I suffered quietly. When she would laugh the world around became invisible and she would become the world to my eyes. Her speech was like a mild poison that slowly ascended my veins. I'd say - If the sound of wind chimes ever were a girl, it would have been her. A few days back I didn’t really believe in the four lettered crap called ‘love’ at all. But now, all those romantic renditions, poems and songs seem to make sense to me. This time we went on a walk together and nothing had mattered to me until she was talking. I just didn’t listen to what she said. I was just staring at her so lost that it was not until she asked me - “what are you thinking of? You don’t seem to be listening to Me.” that I got back to my senses. She always threw me into that thin line which separated confusion and comprehension. It was around her that vibes of various emotions hit me with full force. When I was so lost in her that reality slashed me hard – she did not belong to me. Why does reality always have to be so cruel? Why are all the formulations in the society against one’s wishes? She was the princess to me - a princess of an intertwined emotion which was a lethal mixture of love and agony. She always seemed to me as the most delicate thing in this universe and I always wanted to protect this slender being. But my love was only like a shadow which followed her unnoticed and would soon perish unnoticed. On the day when she would be give herself away to someone else, I would run away far off from her and would never let her know that I possessed her in my dreams and she would never know string of love I possessed for her went unconnected from her end. I definitely know I can cope up without her but the blank in me would not be filled ever…

Bangalore...erm..pardon me....Bangaluru...

This vacation I’d been to Bangalore. Guess what! It was explosive! The city was just thrown at me when I least expected it. Bangalore’s persona radiated wavelengths of a ‘mega polis in making’. The city was like a point of focus where different urban cultures converged. It was a world of people, a mosaic of humanity, rather. The potential of this budding city seems to lie with its population, particularly, the younger part of it. But somewhere tucked away in the shadows of this metropolis I felt the vibes of that part of the city which was like a beautiful girl in distress and her crying eyes were bringing down the mascara with it. This was the heart of darkness of the city where slum is the kingdom and beggars were the rulers. This was the unfortunate diversity that belonged to Bangalore. But if you are amidst the high tide, this city is really hip n’ happening

The naked mountain

I feel a sense of guilt to tell you that I was born majestic. Yes, it is the remorse of the invincible when he is brought down to his knees.

There was once a time when I raised to the top of the world, Stood my ground firm against all odds. I ruled the world adorned with the crown of snow cap symbolizing my supremacy. Naked of any fear as I was, they called me ‘the naked mountain’.
The chilly snow storms that banged my back were not more than a mere puff of air. The mighty oceans froze at my foot. My family grew leaps and bounds over my widely stretched arms.

My magnificence grew over centuries until one day when I felt a crawling on my chest.
I saw moving dots. Then came some more dots following and more and more…
They were the creatures that were trekking to ‘conquer’ me. I pitied their courage. A few days passed and the creatures were on my peak. They poked a flag over my head and declared I was conquered. Me? Conquered? These people must be nuts! Or were they?

Days passed as I dozed off in the coziness of the cold. When I woke up, I saw a faint grey fog passing me by. I traced the trail back to the long chimney of an establishment under me. It was them, those who claimed I was conquered. They were back and were in huge numbers now. They set up this so called ‘factories’ to exploit the resources under me for their survival. Well, a little generosity from me wouldn’t hurt. After all, what harm could those puny creatures bring to me? I allowed them to drill through me to get oil from my depths. With every passing day, the smoke from the factories thickened and I felt my inners being drained out. It started getting warmer day by day. Was warmth really a hurdle for a mighty like me to reckon with? I surely didn’t think so then, as I didn’t comprehend what awaited me.

It was not long before a huge settlement of various power plants sprouted up everywhere around me. My once snow white bottom turned into the colony of humans. As their intrusion progressed, the temperature shot up steadily. They then built paths under me for their vehicles to tread over. The emissions from their vehicles further aggravated the rising heat. Then, my snow clad peak started wearing off as it trickled down in the form of streams. My thick snow cover was reduced to a skimpy smear over me. The smoke grew darker and grimmer with every passing day. The toxins and heat they unleashed drained my cover into a flowing stream of chemicals that further wore me down. These poisoned waters drained into my rivers, their rivulets and finally into the sea, thus, contaminating nature. The outrageous heat melted me down completely. The hot gases never ceased heating up. When I was exhausted possibly of every available resource, I was rendered alone. My peak was no more and all exuberance was thawed out. The whole world seemed to have been scorched. I looked around only to find my snow kingdom mercilessly taken down by the ‘warming’ demon. Yes, they did conquer me and I still am the ‘naked mountain’, only this time, naked everything that I thought was mine.

I like...

I like to go on a long drive, alone, under a golden yellow sky, on a road that is endlessly dusty and while I drive I’d like ‘numb’ playing softly in my car.
I like to watch the rosy face of a beautiful girl, dressed in black, sitting alone on a bench gazing emptily into the space on a snowy evening.
I like to watch the extravagance of the dizzy city lights while I go out to shop on a busy evening.
I like to hide away my tears and tell to the world that I am happy always.
I like it when my girl gives me a warm hug for nothing and whisper into my ears, “I…”
I like to hold a distressed in my arms and would like to console that person in a reassuring sense by whispering - “don’t you worry…I’ll take it from here.” Then I would like to watch the gratitude in their eyes.
I like to watch a beautiful fingers scribbling notes or playing guitar.
I like to have green eyes.
I like to sit alone on a cozy sofa with a hot cup of coffee in the balcony of a high rise building and watch the dark clouds pour down on the city mercilessly.
I like to watch my girl fall asleep.
I like to put my index finger on the sleeping baby’s palm and would love to see its fingers wrap gently around my finger.
I like the surge I feel when I hear an inspiring narration.
I like know that I have a secret admirer.
I like the pain that sorrow brings and the mercy that it showers.
I like to curl up in the warmth of my comforter during a quiet cold night.
I like the feel I get when first gulps of water soak my tongue to quench an intense thirst.
I like to be Tom Cruise.
I like it when my hair sways over my forehead while I sit staring out of the window of a bus.
I like to sit on a wall and quietly watch the hustle-bustle of a busy city.
I like to lie flat on a green meadow and look at the blue sky.
I like it when she leans over my shoulder.
I like to talk about my thoughts.
I like to be god for a day.
I like…

A layman's view

Right from the very beginning, man was curious and inquisitive way beyond saturation point. In fact our civilization had flourished by just asking “why?”. So, could there be race any superior to ours? No? Why? I mean, why not?

Man had been intrigued by what happened to him within his noticeable domains…sensible right? So, he went about in search of the answers as to why they happened and then he found that the answers were really senseless. Leading to another question and then yet another. While we were busy knowing how the birds fly, we failed to ask why the birds fly…to move? Why should anything move? How did, in the first place, movement come into existence and what is existence? This is when I feel a hint of a superior civilization to ours, that, which created the small domain that we call ‘the universe’.
We invented everything from a ball pin to an international space station, from hardware to software and wars to natural calamities! What ability was it, which helped us perform these elephantine tasks? May be we were made to do all these…may be all this is what we call in human as an ‘experiment’. May be we are all controlled…

Everything is said to have formed from big bang. How did big bang occur? May be it was the start of this experiment on us or on what we call our ‘world’, rather.

Then why don’t we know that we are being controlled? Well let me ask you something-does a computer program actually ‘know’ that it is being controlled by the computer? Does the computer really know that it is being controlled by the chip within? Does a computer chip know it is being controlled by various elements? It is something similar to all these. Everything around us happens as it happens because it is probably ‘run’ that way. Have you ever wondered why a body has to move in the direction of force applied on it and not against it? Why does force even exist? Why does energy exist? Why are all these elements of nature immortal unlike us? If we try to talk in a programmer’s language, may be force energy and matter were like library functions in a language called ‘universe’ that were used to create programs which govern how things are supposed to happen.

I say, we are still trying to know the codes of these programs ignoring what lies beneath…what made these codes…another dimension we fail to think in, a dimension were rationality fails to exist, where our universe is simulated on a ‘computer’ and when the power supply is cut, we simply do not exist!

life - a mishap?

19 April 2008
10: 20 p.m.


I’ve heard many people around me reverberate the saying - never take a step back when you have started your journey. Well, what if the road ahead is blocked? What if we stand defenseless against the infinite might of the wind of circumstances that is pushing you behind? What if we tried, tried and tried again and failed every time? What if our own efforts mock at us? There seem to be millions of these unanswered questions lingering above me.
I’ve been this way all through my life. I tend to learn from my mistakes. But there has always been a hint of ignorance in the knowledge I acquired from my mistakes. This lead to more mistakes and the chain continued. Hence, these series of mistakes I made erased my perfection.
It is not easy being me. I am a world within myself. Losing interest is a common trait in existence but losing faith in existence itself is a failure of your complete self. This is what happens to me often and every time I fall I try to gather myself up ignoring the mockery my mind subjects me to, but I tend to crumble further, subsiding like a dry sand hill.
The oneness is fading away in the world we have built. We are not allowed to retaliate when we cannot take it anymore in what seems to be a hybrid world, which is an amalgam of vindictive qualities. All these knit to my life, the deadly inability, for which I am blamed in turn. There is no place left in my life for myself as hollowness has filled it entirely. There is a battle raging within myself, with myself, in order to sustain myself. A rugged feature of mine called the ‘persistence’ is the only shimmer of hope for me to protect my existence and stand my ground while I safeguard my very identity.

me...

It was the time when the west was engulfed by the chill of the cold war and the west and East Germany were thinking of reunification that, in the other part of the world, a baby was born. Yes, that’s me!
Well, I know that was a good start for the days ahead. You see, I have been displaying this inevitable characteristic of being unmindful of the happenings around me right from birth. (omg! Think of an infant with ‘I don’t care’ attitude!!) . My mom told me that she didn’t hear me cry for about 10 seconds when I was born. I was sleeping that’s why she says I was too lazy to even cry! (Well, nothing changed much!!). I was told that the nurse explained to my sightless granny about how cute I was! Well, it seems to me that I impressed the nurse a lot more than I impressed my gran!
As a child I was not very troublesome…well…not always! But at the age of two, when I decided to explore the world a little, my parents really started to think about me seriously. I used to crawl my way into one of the houses in the neighborhood only to get to a parked bicycle and find pleasure in swiveling its pedals (three cheers for the budding engineer!!!). Unlike many babies I didn’t cry much…may be I had better things to do...like…mess with my sleeping baby brother! I was told that I used to run to my brother’s cradle and slap kiran while he was sleeping and then my mom locked me in a separate room as a punishment!

Growing up, my explorations ceased but I started something new - I started to observe this new world of mine and started to think “why?”. Often my questions were answered with wage substantiations and rest remained questions. Then, the first best thing that happened to me was school! D.A.V. was where I flourished, where I lived my dreams and where…I made friends! I befriended everyone and anyone. Hi’s, hellos and bye-byes were what brought us together. Guess what! In school, I never regretted making friends without knowing anything about the person (…and now?...don’t even ask!). Kindergarten was like a big world for me to deal with. A lot of things were stuffed in that name. A lot that I learnt and lot more that I still cherish. Ajay was my first best friend, Shubha ma’am was my first class teacher and pramod was the first weirdo I met! Every first move I made lead to a better next. This is how I grew up, learning from my little mistakes, making more mistakes and learning from them too. Some of the people like rohit, shreya joshi and taarika were kind of…like passing clouds (but they surely rained a lot on me!).

I was told and taught that I was not supposed to lie for what ever reason no matter what…well…guys there is something that I have been holding behind all these days. When I was a kid I used to watch a lot of TV and the letters on the black board started to look blurred…in the beginning I didn’t care much but later…this got worse really worse and my place started shifting forward, closer to the black board. The situation got really worse in class six (I mean to say dreadful!). I thought of doing something about this. In DAV, regular medical check-ups were organized for students. My parents knew about this. So, one fine day I got home and told my dad that we had our regular check up done in the school that day and the doc asked me to get my eyes checked up. You know what? I lied!! I don’t know why I didn’t tell the truth…but this lie I told was going to change the way I looked for the rest of my life! I was spectacled…my spectacles were just like some inevitable organ that I was to ‘wear’ here on.

Moving on…when I turned thirteen I was not quite a teen, but I can say I surely sensed the flavors around!! Questions, curiosity and the odd emptiness became apparent at fifteen. (Let’s not intrude this matter deeper...lols!) Now the obvious question – Who was my first crush? (Hey remember? Curiosity killed the cat! If are really reading this…then, I am sure you are not a cat (at least not a literate one!) and so you are safe!) Here is the answer- I don’t remember! Oh ya! By the way, talking of remembrance, I am really pathetic at remembering names, things that I did or things I am supposed to do (a really normal teenager you can see!). Class 10 was a really big experience package to me. They were the sweetest last days in DAV. I miss my school so much that I wish I got all those days back…it was like my second home. It harbored every thing…it is like I had left some part of me in my school…then came the two very dark years of my life…junior college…

I hope I had never joined that college (corporate brutes!!). Somehow I held myself together and pulled myself out of the clutches of the two horrendous years!! I don’t even consider the two years a part of my life now…I was put through so much that everything seemed like it was closing in on me…I’m glad that is all over.

Then came the ‘CVR’ part of my life…so far so good…at least things are going my way again! I’m me again (good heavens!!). You know what I really liked about CVR....one, the long one hour lunch break! Two, the ‘samosa’ in our canteen…believe me! I can spend tons on that. Three, somebody I don’t want to name (that’s a little hush-hush) Four, somebody else I don’t want to name!!

That’s me alright…19 unwrapped and still going great! What you just read is just a pixel of me!! Guess what? There’s much more to be unveiled…..